choices.

i have been meditating on a certain phrase for a few days now: wanting to write vs. actually writing. i have been thinking about it because i want to write every single day. every day, i think about writing. not even updating this blog – just writing for me.

and i don’t. i don’t even keep a journal. i don’t write at all, ever. i even stopped trying to write good e-mails.

this has been disturbing me this year. i have been in hot pursuit of a craft project for at least a year. i have tried crochet, knitting, sewing, paper crafts, even counted cross-stitch. i am rolling my eyes as i type this. i have felt this need to create something tangible. something i could hold up to someone and say, as nonchalantly as possible, “i made that.” here’s the kicker: i never stuck with ANY of those crafts.

about two weeks ago, i had a revelation that caused me to pack my sewing machine away in a rubbermaid tote. the creating that i really love? i already know how to do it – at least at a higher level of mastery than these crafts i have been pursuing. i love writing. i love taking pictures. yet, at some point, i allowed myself to start thinking a few weird thoughts about my crafts.

first, i started thinking that other crafts are better. i can largely attribute this to the fact that i was subscribed to about 30 craft blogs through google reader. i started getting jealous that i didn’t know how to quilt or knit or make a cake stand from a tree trunk.

really.

second, i started doubting my own abilities. probably because of my lack of practice, i decided that i was not a good writer. and i know that i am just an ok photographer – i just score the occasional lucky shot. but i just decided that it wasn’t worth it to keep trying. that a higher level of mastery was out of my reach.

third, i made a choice when it came to spending my time. i would sit in front of my laptop, feel a compulsion to write… and go surfing the web, as the kids used to say. check my e-mail. my bank balance. my facebook account. my message boards. anything to distract myself from practicing the craft i decided to give up on (even when it refused to give up on me. more on this later.).

and when i realized this pattern, well – that brings me to this post. because after a week or so of straight meditation on this topic, here is my revelation, as it has come to me this monday morning.

and in this, i realize that every perceived failure i am feeling bad about right now – not writing, not eating as well as i could be, not working out regularly – is simply the result of a choice that i made to spend my time somewhere else. time is just like money. if you don’t budget it, at least for the essentials, then you won’t have enough.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

2 responses to “choices.

  1. You didn't happen to read MY blog this morning, did you? It was very similar to this.And, yes, you need to just make the choice and then make the effort. I try to write something every, single day. It's why I started my blog. I needed something to push me. And then I bought a "kit" at Borders that has creative writing exercises. I attended a writing workshop at the library and was amazed at how easily I could take the instruction and run with it when the leader had us do writing exercises.Ultimately, you just need to find something to help you get started and then run with it. Good luck!

  2. actually, i didn't read your blog yet, so i just headed over there to check it out…but all i can see is yesterday's post (school spirit)…not one for today. i want to read it now!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s