happy new year

i tend to be a procrastinator.

i also don’t like to make commitments on which i probably won’t follow through.

so, this year, although i considered making new year’s resolutions, i decided against it. when i surveyed the bleak landscape of my life at the end of december, i was much too overwhelmed to think clearly. i mean… it’s right after (or, more accurately, in the midst of) some of the most shameful eating and workout habits of the year for many people. it’s also at the end of the biggest gift-giving season of the year (at least for me).

that’s right… those are my two biggies – food/fitness and money.

(and the entire universe says… “duhhh!”)

although i didn’t make any resolutions, per se… i did decide to become more aware. and to actually start trying in those areas.

this is the key for me. if i sit down and say, “this year, i hope to lose ten pounds per month and workout 4 times per week and pay off my credit cards and save up a downpayment for a house and save X dollars toward the wedding”…well, it never, ever works.

i think i get kind of rebellious or something. i know that this doesn’t make sense, since it’s me who is “making the rules” in the first place. but i have always been one of those people who needs to find her own path, her way… and why am i talking about myself in the third person?

egad. i’m a nutter.

in all seriousness, i do much better with personal improvement goals and decisions when i have a Very General Direction. I know that isn’t what the goal-setting experts say. the goal setting experts say to make a short term goal and then a long term goal and then blah blah blah you’re telling me what to do so i have stopped listening. i like freedom and variety. i like choices and re-prioritizing. this is one of the biggest reasons i decided against going vegan again. i have learned these things about myself. if i want to make any change to myself or my behavior, it has to be 100% on my terms. because i’m selfish and stubborn and creative, and these things put together make one Amelia, who has not been able to get herself in line for 31 years.

this year, i am just willing to try. i am willing to examine my situation with open eyes, and decide on various courses of action. and i am happy to report, that although we’re only a few weeks in? it’s going well. i can feel the momentum of positive change kind of rolling behind me as i map out my days and weeks. i have some small successes under my belt that i really was not expecting.

and, most importantly?

i have no broken resolutions to fill me with guilt. this means that i am constantly thinking in forward-moving terms. i am never trying to catch up to some imaginary place i decided that i should be. i am happy and satisfied with the changes and processes i’ve chosen up to this point.

this is working right now.

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1 Comment

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One response to “happy new year

  1. A) Yeah, it was your old blog that sent me to Frankie, who will not relax.B) I didn’t make any resolutions, either, for the same reason.C) I just read all your posts. I had a boyfriend who used to talk in his sleep all the time, too. Once he said, “The reason I didn’t bring you flowers is because I was afraid they were trying to take the rings out of my shoulders.” D) It’s been 18 years and I still remember that nonsensical line.E) How could you not notice that black beans were rolling around your car? I mean, an entire CAN?

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