saturday ramble

for the most part, it’s fair to say that i stayed in bed until 3 pm today.

i’m sick. and i don’t have health insurance, or i’m sure i would already be taking a z-pack or something to get rid of this. but instead, i have been working 7.5 and 8.5 hour shifts all week and trying oh-so-hard to stay polite, not pass out, and not bite the heads off of random irritating beings who happen to approach me with the wrong tone.

so there’s that. and of course, my mom is not well at the moment. she hates me to talk about her on my blog, so i won’t much. i’ll just say that at times i have been extremely worried about the state of her health.

that makes it sound a lot better than it actually is, just so you know.

today i realized that one of the events that changed the trajectory of my life was listening to nirvana’s “nevermind” cassette tape. i was in 9th grade, at the reynolds drive house. i remember thinking, distinctly, “this is what people mean when they talk about ‘devil music’.”

and then i became a fan of grunge music. and i wore brown plaid flannels over my t-shirts and jeans and i wore the payless version of doc martens. i think i bought at least four pair of them before i realized that “grunge” wasn’t exactly a flattering style.

by my junior year, i was back to wearing makeup.

i was definitely a “goody-goody” in high school, although i didn’t necessarily want to be. i went to church every sunday although i didn’t really put too much stock into the events that happened there. i also had an intense distrust for the various pastors that floated through my life in late high school, so i definitely created some emotional distance for myself just in case.

all of my friends were intense over-achievers. they took AP classes while i was flunking trigonometry. don’t get me wrong – i didn’t flunk trig or avoid AP classes because i was stupid. i was just afraid. words like “physics” and “calculus” reminded me of my mom, as she still had both textbooks sitting on the bookshelf in the family room of our home. i always felt stupid around my mom, like she was a freakish math genius and i was the village idiot.

we didn’t get cable until i was 14 or 15 years old. before that, my television habits included the local news, the national news, wheel of fortune, jeopardy, and whatever network TV shows were on that evening. who’s the boss. growing pains. 3’s company. cheers. MASH. family ties. the facts of life. silver spoons. mr. belvedere. knight rider. a-team. quantum leap. perfect strangers. full house.

i hated full house. always.

when my parents got cable, they had MTV locked so that i couldn’t watch it. i stood in the stairway and overheard them giving the lock code to the cable guy. from that day on, i was never quite the same. MTV piggybacked on my exposure to nirvana. the state, 120 minutes, beavis and butthead… and music videos! i loved music videos, and could easily sit and watch them for 8 hours straight.

and that’s when i stopped doing homework.

if i had done my homework, i wouldn’t have flunked out of trig and precalculus and chemistry. and maybe i actually would have gone away to college. instead, i stayed near home and attended a community college. and then i graduated, and then i worked in a factory for 5 years.


as it is, i graduated college when i was almost 26 years old. i’m now almost 31 and i still don’t have a career. i work full-time at a newsstand and tobacco shop. we sell a LOT of dirty magazines.

but for some reason, i don’t want to go back in time and modify my path. sometimes i think about never cracking that MTV code. but then i never would have  been able to spend the whole summer before i turned 16 reciting the episodes line by line with my coworker, annemeike. or, maybe, i should have just cut back a little and done a little more homework and PASSED my classes? well, if i had passed chemistry, i wouldn’t have had to re-take it my senior year. and my best friend, katie, just happened to be in that class with me. would we have become as close as we did if we hadn’t been in that class together talking about how cute dave meade was? and if i hadn’t become so close to katie, ten years later she probably wouldn’t have been able to suggest that i move to nashville. imagine – my timeline of life without nashville. it would be a sad timeline indeed, and i probably would have spent that whole time working in buffalo.


i don’t know what made me think of all this stuff today. i feel like crap, but my life is ok. know what i mean?


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4 responses to “saturday ramble

  1. Every time you post it seems I find we have more in common.

    Also, I wish you were still in Nashville now that I’m here. 🙂

  2. Family Ties…oh yeah. Alex P. Keaton was my dream.

  3. Oh, we have waaaa-hey too much in common..But I don’t want to change it either. I see it as a series of events that led to present-day me. And I kind of like present-day me.

  4. ohhh, why didn’t you tell me?!! I didn’t figure out that Grunge was ugly until college! Actually, I still had baggy jeans and mens flannels in my closet as recently as 7 years ago…Never really cared for the music, but hanging in Becky’s basement, incense burning, red lights, reading our own REALLY depressing poetry and listing to Nutt and Marty and Poet’s band… it just felt so cool.

    We are who we are because of our life experience… some may be less than pretty, but they are who we’ve become, and its all good. NO regrets.

    As a parent, I think about what I want my kids to experience and what I’d like to shelter them from, and there are definitely things I want to protect them from until the right time. Yet in our own lives, we can see God’s sovereignty in hind sight, how he works all things together for our good. Allowing us to grow.

    I love everything you have been and you have become. Precious girl! You’ve been on my mind lately. miss you.

    Praying for your Mom.

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