i sell dirty magazines to businessmen before 8 am. when i ring them up, i like to wave each magazine in the air, pretending that i can’t find the price. and then i leave it on the counter as long as possible before finally asking if they want a bag. most just take them “to go” inside their new york times.
i sell rolling tobacco to people with fingers so dirty that they are literally stained brown. sometimes the quarters they hand me are slimy. these are my favorite customers.
i help mentally challenged people figure out the intracacies of the hot chocolate machine. i’m not just mean, i mean real, genuinely mentally challenged people. they get confused when the large cup gets stuck under the dispenser and then yell “I NEED HELP!” they are also my favorite customers.
i brew about 16 pots of coffee before noon. this means that i also spend all morning wiping spilled creamer, sugar, and syrups from various counters around the store.
my roommates are a lesbian, a gay man, and a mountain man. the lesbian and the gay man live in a cabin that they built this summer, out behind the garage.
there are currently 17 ball jars on the kitchen counter filled with various varieties of canned meat. not the kind you buy in cans. the kind you buy fresh, if you’re a mountain man, and then stay up all night canning in your pressure canner while you watch ratatouille and episodes 5-7 of deadwood, season one.
last night i had 2 chihuahuas in my bed all night long.
i drink 6 cups of coffee every day.
sometimes i use listerine instead of brushing my teeth. then i chew trident white in between cups of coffee all day.
i take tylenol pm an average of 3 times a week.
three nights ago, i slept with a heating pad and burned myself. i have a blister the size of an m&m in the middle of my back.