i’ve done it

i’ve entered the realm of the delinquent blogger. i post at one-week intervals, and then with little thought or creativity – just an update or a review.

i hang my self-absorbed little head in shame.

i owe you. i owe you big.

my life is changing in challenging ways right now. i’ve been handling it about as well as i handled getting immunization shots when i was a child. i’ll spare you the details… let’s just say it took 4 nurses, a doctor, and my grandma to hold me down.

my mom always told me i was strong-willed, but i was never willing to admit it. “i’m not as stubborn as she thinks,” i’d say to my ego. it got so bad that when i asked her for advice she would reply, “do what you want – you will anyway.”

i’ve been seeing it lately, this stubborn streak. the way i used to buckle my legs when my mom would try to put me in the shopping cart at the acme… that’s what i’ve been doing mentally these past few weeks. i’m tired. i feel like i’ve worked hard enough. i feel like i deserve. but why can’t i do that? pick me up. i don’t wanna ride in the cart.

the problem is that i don’t get to call the shots here. maybe i am tired, but it’s not for me to say if get to stop working hard right now. it’s not for me to throw myself into convulsions, even if it is only in my head. or freaking out to my closest friends.

there are days that i hate getting out of bed. i do it, because that’s just what grownups do. they get out of bed and get in the shower and get in the car and go to work. and then they do it again the next day, and they also do other things, like maintain friendships, go out on dates, go grocery shopping, pack lunches, keep up a budget, schedule car maintenance, go to movies… and make time for art, if art is something that matters to them.

and i am (slowly) getting better at doing it. with joy. i’m trying to keep in mind that i have a bigger future than right now, but right now is important. i am where i am for a reason – in work, in relationships, in financial status, in personal affairs, in my creative pursuits. but these things i’m working through and buckling my knees at aren’t the end of me. they’re just the beginning.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

so, i haven’t been writing much here because i’ve been in the process of learning how to do hard things without giving up.

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