school

i realized yesterday that it’s time to go back.

a friend came in my office and was noticing my pile of augustine books. i started telling her about jill robbins, and a class called “literature and the history of ideas.” the class should have been called “augustine.” i started telling her what an eager student i was. i snatched a book from the shelf and set it down in front of me, grabbed a pen and a pad of paper, and mimicked my old posture. hunched, pen near strangulation and scratching furiously, fingers of the left hand pointing to the pages of the book and occasionally holding the pad. eyes down, then up to the professor; half smile as i heard something completely new to my ears. furious penscratching as i connect what the professor says to the roaring train of thought that’s in my head.

i love new ideas.
i love to learn, more than anything else i’ve ever done.

i miss writing in books, things like:

allegory of use/abuse of language?
vices=perverse imit. of god
??CAUSE OF EVIL
ALL THINGS GOOD!
EVIL DEFINED!
death
grace
Cain – enjoying the vehicle?
good w/o evil NOT evil w/o good
paradise
SATAN
nearer to nothingness
~LOVE~

and, I must have written a paper concerning vanity, and i think pride, because I had a few dog-eared pages with the word vanity scrawled there, as well as small post-its in all the books that said things like:

USE/ENTJ/TURN AWAY
PRIDE
CONVERSION
turn/dark abyss, nothgns (must stand for nothingness)
wickedness
EVIL
turning/wstld (must stand for wasteland)

the only textbooks i didn’t sell for cash were the augustine volumes, the norton shakespeare, and the small poetry books from bernstein’s class. i even sold the poetry anthologies and the milton book. after all scott stevens did for me, too.

i remember when i was nearing graduation, we were meeting in his office about a paper. he asked me if i’d considered graduate school. i had. but i was secretly petrified to take the GRE. so when he offered to counsel me through an application to harvard, and when he offered to type my application, and when he offered his extreme optimism at the potential of my acceptance, i put him off. i procrastinated.

now three years have passed. and i can’t ignore it any longer. last night i bought my GRE test prep book. i took the diagnostic quiz online.

and i have a lot of work to do.

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