work it out.

i’m forcing myself to work until i can’t hold my head up. or until the eye twitch in my left eye takes over my entire face and i have a seizure.

there are so many things to think about right now, and the harder i work, the less i let the wheels turn.

here’s a sampling:

can i get into cornell for grad school?
gee i’m glad i talked to pat last night.
my right hand hurts.
why can’t i be in africa somewhere making a difference?
or in italy making a bazillion dollars a year?
or asleep? right now?
can I stop waking up at 3 am? and then 5 am? and then 6 am?
I had a nightmare last night in which I had to pull a dismembered corpse out of a dumpster. and an entire corpse of a friend of mine. Then I dreamed I went to visit my friend Stewart, and all of his furniture had been stolen by his roommates and sold for drugs. He refurnished with a hodge-podge of Ikea and rummage sale finds.
I hope it actually gets cold in tennessee this fall.
I wish I could be back in New York to watch the leaves turn.
I still hate snow, though. Could I even live in ithaca if I did get into cornell?
Should I go to law school or go for an MFA? Should I just stay deleting commas until my favor runs out? What will I do about money if I do that? I can’t stay at this salary and move forward financially. Which makes me think I should just forget grad school.
Does he think I’m cute? Does he think I’m smart/funny/a decent writer/worth a 5-minute conversation?
Why can’t I go to Gulfport and help them? Oh yeah, money.
What if I found my way? What if I became what everyone always tells me I can become? What if I get a briefcase one day and stop wearing maryjanes to work everyday? What if I make enough money to buy another pair of jeans?
Will I live in tennessee long? will i ever make it to california? will i drive my civic for the next 9 years? what will my little sister’s kids look like? will she get married before me? geez, she’s 14 now, it’s quite possible.
am I really going to be 30 in 2 years?
where has my life gone?
I said it to pat last night, and I still mean it: I don’t regret any of it, not even the mistakes, because they made me learn about the world and people and love and me. I told him, “my life would never be the same if I hadn’t met you retards.” and by retards, I mean people that go through life getting in trouble on purpose. i was one once, but now i’m all cleaned up. squeak.
i want an iPod and an iBook. I only have 1300 songs? I thought I would have way more. Katie says I need a nano. She says I’m all high-tech and I can reprogram anyone’s computer in 3 minutes. She’s just impressed because I once changed out my own modem and I teach my friends how to use Windows Explorer. And I can hook up printers. That’s me, leader of the information army. Call me Kip.
the joy of the lord is my strength.
i need sleep.
why do i have a blog? why do i have 4 email accounts and another blog? who is that masked girl?

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